10 thoughts on “JOURNAL 21: Use this time to create a clear itinerary of things you will be attending to in revision—something to the tune of 200-300 words. ”
While working on peer review I received suggestions on quotation placement. Seeing that I have yet to include any quotes into my essay, my peers gave me viable feedback on where might be some good places to use our sources. On top of that, the final paragraph of my essay as of now is a little icky. Both of my peers stated that the attempt of what I was trying to get at makes sense, but I just need to better connect it with the rest of the paper. I agreed completely as I was the one to ask their opinions of said paragraph. Similarly, making more, understandable connections throughout my essay is going to put it in a place where it needs to be. Already my essay flows nicely, but once I go back to revise some of the connections I make, there will be great improvement. While working on the unity of my paper, I will also focus on trying to stay on singular topics. In most peer reviews I notice that sometimes my audience can get confused as I include a lot of information, and opinions in my essays. By being more concise with my thoughts my essay will become easier to read and understand.
For revision I can begin by addressing the content from my peer review. Most of the revising that was addressed was about the addition of quotes into my writing, as well as making sure that my paragraphs are working together to fit into my somewhat unclear thesis. After addressing the small comments like citations and addition of quotes I have already blocked in, I will be working on extending my conclusion, as well as reworking some of my existing ideas to make them make more sense. I have lots of this to do, as most of my ideas are written down but not exactly as I want them to come across.
List:
Start by addressing Comments from peer review ie: Clear up thesis, Add quotes to format with barclay including citations, and work on my introduction of pollens essay, other classmates and paper from the archive.
Extend paper and finish conclusion paragraph
Insert quotes pulled from archive and other students papers
Citations- In text as well as works cited
This peer-review session has been really helpful in pointing out what I need to work on for my final draft. The draft I have now still needs a lot of work and two more paragraphs. Some of the things I know I need to work on is context. There were some parts of my introduction paragraph that needed clarification and some more context. I need to dive deeper into discussion about culture as well as examples of how the favorite meal essays relate to Pollan’s argument. I might also try and touch on both sides of the argument more. It was also suggested that I make a second paragraph of my introduction that introduces more of the personal part of my essay and what I am doing to be discussing. Also, for my first body paragraph I need to talk more about the neglect of healthy foods in many schools along with my sentence about the dining hall food here. My main thing I need to work on is my thesis, which I normally wait until the end to write. I received great advice and things I can incorporate to make my thesis clear. I think adding more context, personal touch and better structure along with a strong thesis will make my final draft of this essay a lot better.
During peer review today we had a lot of meaningful conversation surrounding two main topics, how personal the essay was and the structure of barclays formula when translating into paragraphs. When looking back at the comments made on my paper and just reading the essay over again, I had realized the organization of my paragraphs had needed a lot of work. When looking at my introductory paragraph, I realized that I never properly introduced my peers’ work and what they had discussed along with my own personal work. Continuing on into my body paragraphs I had kept using some run on sentences where I had found I could concise my ideas, break them down further and analyze them. Rather I had just been blurting out words that are essentially meaningless overtime onto the paper. Another skill that needed polishing was my transitional work when introducing the quotes. In all my paragraphs we had discussed how there was no real transitional work that could be seen when constructing my paragraphs. This is similar to the idea above where my introductions had needed work but I feel like once I set the introductions up the body paragraphs will soon follow what I have been writing along with the style and set up. As we had wrapped up we had all realized that I had never cited my sources in the text and this is a habit i am desperately trying to break but I am sure as I continue to peer review, in the future I will soon be correcting others of the same simple mistake.
Journal #21
Things I will be adding to Project #3
-I need to make my thesis statement more clear and go into more depth, It has kind of taken me a while to figure out what I actually want to write about which sometimes happens
-Going further into my own opinion and connection with my own family life
-make the essay less analytical, a classmate made a good point in revision that his sounded more personal and mine was more analytical and almost informational, I want to switch that around and add more of my own thoughts but also connect them with Pollan and the archives
-I need to find more quotes to add in, I dont have nearly enough and I need one more from the Favorite Meal Essay archives
-im going to fix my barclays and make sure it’s all set up correctly because it is not right now.
-My conclusion will be connecting back to my thesis when I add it but obviously talking about my own personal relationship with food.
Connecting Pollan’s ideas more with others, I have to go more into detail why the FME demonstrates Pollan’s point
-making sure all grammar and citing is correct
-create a title, something to do with family meals and tv maybe?
Before todays class for peer review, i was already aware of most of the things I can fix in my essay. All of the obvious stuff like I need to add a conclusion, more quotes, in text citations, and a works cited page. My peer review partners added really good critics to my essay as well as compliments which is really nice because I know what stood out and was strong enough to be complimented so I can now focus on my weak spots. They mentioned that I should further elaborate on some of my points by adding quotes or example to help support my claims. They also mentioned I should add more of an analysis on some of my quotes which is a great idea because itll help me express my thoughts better to the reader. For my revision I plan to reread my essay for starters and make a list of the things I need to fix or add, this will include the obvious stuff, my peer review partners ideas, as well as anything I think of as I reread the essay. I made an outline at the beginning of this paper and I am going to make another one to make sure I hit all the points I wanted to.
During the peer edit session there were many great points talked about. There was a lot of great points made out to me by my group mates. For one I am missing a title, this is something I have a history of forgetting. Its an easy fix but who knows if they never pointed it out there was a chance I could’ve completely forgot. Another issue I had was multiple run on sentences. For this I just had to separate the sentences and make the paper move smoother. Another thing that was pointed out to me was how long my introduction paragraph is. If I cut this down it’ll give me more space for information in the body paragraphs.
I think the main focus for my revision of project three is going to be incorporating all of my sources and having a strong Barclay’s formula. I have my sources and quotes picked out and scattered throughout my essay, but as my peers mentioned, I really did not connect them together very well. I connected them back to Pollan a little bit, but I wanted to try to relate them to each other as well. I also want to read through my essay again and work on my transitions more. Some of my comments indicated that they could be smoother, and I agree. I need to work on making my paragraphs fit together better even though they are talking about separate topics. After I have gone through and added anything I need to or changed anything, I want to make sure I have all of the requirements from the rubric and read through to make sure that my essay makes sense and sounds good. The last thing that I do when revising my essays is put everything into MLA format. I write my papers in single-line spacing and double-space them when I am done. After I have everything ready I always like to have someone else read my essays one last time to make sure that everything is ready to be turned in.
The main thing in the itinerary of what I will be attending to in revision is adding quotes to my body paragraphs using Barclay’s formula. I’m going to be comparing the two peer essays together, and comparing Pollan’s essay with an essay from the archive. With the peer and archive essays, I’ll set them up by explaining who wrote them and what the author is trying to convey, notably the cultural or emotional influence of the meals. I’ll explain what America used to be like, and why I believe in my thesis. I’ll add a personal anecdote to the introduction to welcome in the reader. Perhaps I’ll also add a rhetorical question. Something that I didn’t really consider before peer review was including evidence for the opposing side of my argument. For example, I could mention how in some cases, convenient foods are necessary and can be more cost effective, which can help struggling families. Some advice that one of my friends gave me was to make my claims less superlative. Although they can be eye-catching, I should word my claims in a way that I can actually support them with evidence. Finally, I feel like my conclusion is kind of lacking, so I’ll probably add more substance to it.
10 thoughts on “JOURNAL 21: Use this time to create a clear itinerary of things you will be attending to in revision—something to the tune of 200-300 words. ”
While working on peer review I received suggestions on quotation placement. Seeing that I have yet to include any quotes into my essay, my peers gave me viable feedback on where might be some good places to use our sources. On top of that, the final paragraph of my essay as of now is a little icky. Both of my peers stated that the attempt of what I was trying to get at makes sense, but I just need to better connect it with the rest of the paper. I agreed completely as I was the one to ask their opinions of said paragraph. Similarly, making more, understandable connections throughout my essay is going to put it in a place where it needs to be. Already my essay flows nicely, but once I go back to revise some of the connections I make, there will be great improvement. While working on the unity of my paper, I will also focus on trying to stay on singular topics. In most peer reviews I notice that sometimes my audience can get confused as I include a lot of information, and opinions in my essays. By being more concise with my thoughts my essay will become easier to read and understand.
For revision I can begin by addressing the content from my peer review. Most of the revising that was addressed was about the addition of quotes into my writing, as well as making sure that my paragraphs are working together to fit into my somewhat unclear thesis. After addressing the small comments like citations and addition of quotes I have already blocked in, I will be working on extending my conclusion, as well as reworking some of my existing ideas to make them make more sense. I have lots of this to do, as most of my ideas are written down but not exactly as I want them to come across.
List:
Start by addressing Comments from peer review ie: Clear up thesis, Add quotes to format with barclay including citations, and work on my introduction of pollens essay, other classmates and paper from the archive.
Extend paper and finish conclusion paragraph
Insert quotes pulled from archive and other students papers
Citations- In text as well as works cited
This peer-review session has been really helpful in pointing out what I need to work on for my final draft. The draft I have now still needs a lot of work and two more paragraphs. Some of the things I know I need to work on is context. There were some parts of my introduction paragraph that needed clarification and some more context. I need to dive deeper into discussion about culture as well as examples of how the favorite meal essays relate to Pollan’s argument. I might also try and touch on both sides of the argument more. It was also suggested that I make a second paragraph of my introduction that introduces more of the personal part of my essay and what I am doing to be discussing. Also, for my first body paragraph I need to talk more about the neglect of healthy foods in many schools along with my sentence about the dining hall food here. My main thing I need to work on is my thesis, which I normally wait until the end to write. I received great advice and things I can incorporate to make my thesis clear. I think adding more context, personal touch and better structure along with a strong thesis will make my final draft of this essay a lot better.
During peer review today we had a lot of meaningful conversation surrounding two main topics, how personal the essay was and the structure of barclays formula when translating into paragraphs. When looking back at the comments made on my paper and just reading the essay over again, I had realized the organization of my paragraphs had needed a lot of work. When looking at my introductory paragraph, I realized that I never properly introduced my peers’ work and what they had discussed along with my own personal work. Continuing on into my body paragraphs I had kept using some run on sentences where I had found I could concise my ideas, break them down further and analyze them. Rather I had just been blurting out words that are essentially meaningless overtime onto the paper. Another skill that needed polishing was my transitional work when introducing the quotes. In all my paragraphs we had discussed how there was no real transitional work that could be seen when constructing my paragraphs. This is similar to the idea above where my introductions had needed work but I feel like once I set the introductions up the body paragraphs will soon follow what I have been writing along with the style and set up. As we had wrapped up we had all realized that I had never cited my sources in the text and this is a habit i am desperately trying to break but I am sure as I continue to peer review, in the future I will soon be correcting others of the same simple mistake.
Journal #21
Things I will be adding to Project #3
-I need to make my thesis statement more clear and go into more depth, It has kind of taken me a while to figure out what I actually want to write about which sometimes happens
-Going further into my own opinion and connection with my own family life
-make the essay less analytical, a classmate made a good point in revision that his sounded more personal and mine was more analytical and almost informational, I want to switch that around and add more of my own thoughts but also connect them with Pollan and the archives
-I need to find more quotes to add in, I dont have nearly enough and I need one more from the Favorite Meal Essay archives
-im going to fix my barclays and make sure it’s all set up correctly because it is not right now.
-My conclusion will be connecting back to my thesis when I add it but obviously talking about my own personal relationship with food.
Connecting Pollan’s ideas more with others, I have to go more into detail why the FME demonstrates Pollan’s point
-making sure all grammar and citing is correct
-create a title, something to do with family meals and tv maybe?
Before todays class for peer review, i was already aware of most of the things I can fix in my essay. All of the obvious stuff like I need to add a conclusion, more quotes, in text citations, and a works cited page. My peer review partners added really good critics to my essay as well as compliments which is really nice because I know what stood out and was strong enough to be complimented so I can now focus on my weak spots. They mentioned that I should further elaborate on some of my points by adding quotes or example to help support my claims. They also mentioned I should add more of an analysis on some of my quotes which is a great idea because itll help me express my thoughts better to the reader. For my revision I plan to reread my essay for starters and make a list of the things I need to fix or add, this will include the obvious stuff, my peer review partners ideas, as well as anything I think of as I reread the essay. I made an outline at the beginning of this paper and I am going to make another one to make sure I hit all the points I wanted to.
During the peer edit session there were many great points talked about. There was a lot of great points made out to me by my group mates. For one I am missing a title, this is something I have a history of forgetting. Its an easy fix but who knows if they never pointed it out there was a chance I could’ve completely forgot. Another issue I had was multiple run on sentences. For this I just had to separate the sentences and make the paper move smoother. Another thing that was pointed out to me was how long my introduction paragraph is. If I cut this down it’ll give me more space for information in the body paragraphs.
I think the main focus for my revision of project three is going to be incorporating all of my sources and having a strong Barclay’s formula. I have my sources and quotes picked out and scattered throughout my essay, but as my peers mentioned, I really did not connect them together very well. I connected them back to Pollan a little bit, but I wanted to try to relate them to each other as well. I also want to read through my essay again and work on my transitions more. Some of my comments indicated that they could be smoother, and I agree. I need to work on making my paragraphs fit together better even though they are talking about separate topics. After I have gone through and added anything I need to or changed anything, I want to make sure I have all of the requirements from the rubric and read through to make sure that my essay makes sense and sounds good. The last thing that I do when revising my essays is put everything into MLA format. I write my papers in single-line spacing and double-space them when I am done. After I have everything ready I always like to have someone else read my essays one last time to make sure that everything is ready to be turned in.
The main thing in the itinerary of what I will be attending to in revision is adding quotes to my body paragraphs using Barclay’s formula. I’m going to be comparing the two peer essays together, and comparing Pollan’s essay with an essay from the archive. With the peer and archive essays, I’ll set them up by explaining who wrote them and what the author is trying to convey, notably the cultural or emotional influence of the meals. I’ll explain what America used to be like, and why I believe in my thesis. I’ll add a personal anecdote to the introduction to welcome in the reader. Perhaps I’ll also add a rhetorical question. Something that I didn’t really consider before peer review was including evidence for the opposing side of my argument. For example, I could mention how in some cases, convenient foods are necessary and can be more cost effective, which can help struggling families. Some advice that one of my friends gave me was to make my claims less superlative. Although they can be eye-catching, I should word my claims in a way that I can actually support them with evidence. Finally, I feel like my conclusion is kind of lacking, so I’ll probably add more substance to it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b2RWEIvez8xX5P–HD-BWVzMjxugwOfluuPM0Jn3gZ0/edit